Saturday, March 17, 2007

The Room 101 Fantasy (or Nightmare) Labour Cabinet

Prime Minister: MICHAEL FOOTDeputy Prime Minister: JOHN PRESCOTT
Chancellor of the Exchequer: TESSA JOWELL
Chief Secretary: HARRIET HARMAN
Foreign Secretary: NEIL KINNOCK
Home Secretary: TONY BENN
Trade & Industry: JOHN STONEHOUSE
Health: GWYNNETH DUNWOODY
Defence: JEREMY CORBYN
Environment: MICHAEL MEACHER
Transport: STEPHEN BYERS
Work & Pensions: ROBERT MAXWELL
Leader of the House: DENNIS SKINNER
Culture, Media & Sport: CHRIS BRYANT
Chief Whip: TOM WATSON
Constitutional Affairs: WILLIE HAMILTON
Leader of the Lords: LORD LEVY
International Development: DAVID BLUNKET
Local Government: DEREK HATTON
Wales: RON DAVIES
Scotland: IAN McCARTNEY
Education: RUTH KELLY


And your nominations for a LibDem and Tory Nightmare Cabinet please...

52 comments:

David Anthony said...

Isn't a Lib Dem Cabinet a nightmare in itself?

Charlotte Corday said...

How about in your fantasy Labour Cabinet Lord Longford as Home Secretary? didn't members of his own family say that they feared they would all be murdered in their beds if he became Home Secretary?

Anonymous said...

lol...that is truly funny.

otoh, it's neatly reminds why Labour spent so many years in the political wilderness and Mrs T reigned supreme.

Rush-is-Right said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dr Achilles said...

Iain,

I know that West Ham won today but you must learn to relax more old boy....

I would recommend a very large Gin and Tonic.

Rush-is-Right said...

Perhaps it seems a bit obvious, but I can't think of anything more frightening than the present government/cabinet. No need for fantasy at all.

amillionpieces said...

I'm glad I didn't mistakenly view this as news, I think I'd have just stuck my head in the oven. Truly nightmarish!

Ross F said...

Tory nightmare cabinet:

Culture: Jeffrey Archer.

I'd have to give the other positions more thought.

Chris Paul said...

Better to put Corbyn in the Foreign Office and McDonnell in Defence I think.

Rush-is-right is frightened by the current lot rather than Bruiser Hang-the-Irish Davis?

Del Boy Hatton is sadly now a Tory. Innit? A List.
(Exclusive, attribution please)

Anonymous said...

Attorney General has to be Sam Silkin (look him up if you don't know who he is), and George Brown has to be the Deputy Prime Minister- which other Poltician would ever have been seen collapsing in a gutter outside Parliament because he had had too much to drick. As far as chief whip goes, Callaghan, not Watson! He lost a vote of Confidence for gods' sake!
And by the way, DO NOT SLAG OF MICHAEL FOOT- AT LEAST HE STUCK TO HIS PRICIPLES UNLIKE BLAIR.

BJ said...

I can't believe you haven't included Hazel Blears!

A few Tory thoughts

Prime Minister: IAIN DUNCAN SMITH
Deputy Prime Minister: JOHN REDWOOD
Chancellor: NORMAN LAMONT
Foreign Secretary: NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN
Home Secretary: LORD ARCHER
Trade & Industry: NEIL HAMILTON
Education: JOHN PATTEN
Defence: NIGEL EVANS
Environment: TIM YEO
Constitutional Affairs: JONATHAN AITKEN
Communities: ANN WINTERTON
Local Government: COUNCILLOR NEVILLE "FUCK THE IRISH" SANDERS
Wales: NIGEL EVANS (again)

A few Liberal/Lib Dem thoughts:

Prime Minister: JEREMY THORPE
Deputy Prime Minister: DAVID OWEN
Chancellor: MICHAEL BROWN
Foreign Secretary: JENNY TONGE
Home Secretary: SIMON HUGHES
Culture, Media & Sport: CHARLES KENNEDY
Chief Whip: MARK OATEN
Constitutional Affairs: LEMBIT OPIK

Ross F said...

{ Rush-is-right is frightened by the current lot rather than Bruiser Hang-the-Irish Davis? }

Is Chris Paul a moron or simply a liar?

Anonymous said...

Fanatsy 101 Tory Cabinet (For all the Socialists reading this- not many, I know!)

Prime Minister- Michael Howard
Deputy Prime Minister- Boris Johnson
Lord Chancellor- Lord Norton
Chancellor- Ann Widdecombe
Foreign- Margaret Thatcher
Home- Norman Tebbit
Education- George Osborne
Health- William Waldegrave
Environment Secretary- Nigel Lawson
Defence Secretary- Nicholas Soames
Trade and Industry- Ian Lang
Work and Pensions- Kenneth Baker
Culture- Dsvid Mellor
Local Government and Communities- Patrick Mercer
Transport- Brian Mawhinney
Scotland- Michael Forsyth
Wales- David Hunt
Northern Ireland- John Redwood
Chief Secretary to the Treasury- Norman Lamont
Commons Leader- John Major
Lords Leader- Lord Archer
Parliamentary Secretary to the Treasury- Iain Duncan-Smith
Captain of the Gentlemen at Arms- Lord Goodland

Mike Wood said...

wot no Hattersley?

tbfkatic said...

International Development: DAVID BLUNKET (sic.)

Oh you cruel man....

Anonymous said...

Nightmare Labour Cabinet: Gordon Brown with Alistair Campbell as his spin doctor...not so far fetched as it sounds, perhaps. I read today that the Chancellor has entertained Ali at one of his chummy dinners at number 11 where he grasps diners hands afterwards and says, "I feel we can work together"

Tory nightmare Cabinet: any mix and match that has an Ali Campbell clone as the PM's spin doctor.

Auntie Flo'

judith said...

Don't include Gwyneth Dunwoody - she's an honest, hardworking lady who says it like she sees it - and that's on inside info from a Tory MP. The NHS could well have been better off in her hands than in Ms Fuckwitt's.

Lord Cashcroft said...

Nightmare Tory cabinet?
The present shadow cabinet.

Tone made me do it - he's a bad influence said...

My nightmare govt:
PM: Tony Blair!
Chancellor: Gordon Brown!
............


wait a minute, take a bank note out and try reading it.... I CAN read it, its not a nightmare, its real....
OMG
what on earth did we do to deserve this

Justin Hinchcliffe said...

How about having Bernie Grant in Home Affairs or the Communities portfolio? Diana Abbott for Education?

sith absurd said...

Chancellor Red Dawn Primarolo

Don't have nightmares.........

Gordon's ponzi scheme said...

You've missed out the worst of the lot, Iain:

Gordon Brown, the profligate lunatic who has drowned this country in debt and steered us into forthcoming stagflation which will take years of pain to overcome.

Yak40 said...

Enoch Powell for Home Sec, and it wouldn't be a nightmare either. Be nice to have some real brains in there for a change.

The Hitch said...

Prime minister ... Margaret Thatcher (bows)
Minister for women ... Lloyd george or Steven Norris
Home secretary....Adolph Hitler
Health secretary.... Bernard Manning (he looks Jewish but isn't)
Foreign secretary ... (see above)
Minister for transport ... Jeremy Clarkson
Leader of the house .......Robert Mugabe
Northern Ireland secretary....The Pope
Deputy prime minister........ any big fat illiterate oaf who just happens to be in the right place at the right time.
Defence .. Julian Clary
Lord chancellor ........ The Hitch

Rush-is-Right said...

YAK40 (1206) Enoch Powell has been dead several years. But he's STILL got more brains than a lot of present cabinet ministers I could name.....

Rush-is-Right said...

I've just noticed, you've made no space for one Viscount Stansgate?

You could find a place for him I'm sure. Maybe Minister for Public Buildings & Works?

Iain Dale said...

Judith, I too have a huge amount of time for Mrs D. Her inclusion as Health Secretary was meant to be ironic as she wouldn't stand for the politically correct health faddists. but the irony was obviously lost.

Rush, Benn is included.

verity said...

The Hitch, that was brilliant.

Deputy prime minister........ any big fat illiterate oaf who just happens to be in the right place at the right time. Although I would add, and knows things about Tony, Gordon and Peter.

Lord Chancellor - The Hitch. (Bows.)

Gracchi said...

Wouldn't Dalton be a candidate for worst Labour Chancellor- he did leak his own budget. What about for the Tories worst minister being Monckton as Labour Minister I know we don't have one anymore but he was pretty awful. If you go back far enough in time- North was probably the most disastrous Prime Minister we've ever had given the loss of America through a disastrous war.

morrocanroll said...

The evil Crosland, who f***ed the grammar schools and a lot more as a consequence.

Lerxst said...

Surely the nightmare Pensions minister just has to be Gordon Brown. Maxwell stole nowhere near as much.

polly glott said...

...and who, pray, would the above cabinet makers select as Lord High Executioner??

Marquee Mark said...

To crack down on sleaze and corruption, how about the new post of Hitch-finder General? Like the Spanish Inquisition, but with none of its namby-pamby pussy-footing about...

The Remittance Man said...

Prime Minister: ME
Deputy Prime Minister: MZI*
Chancellor: WILLIAM HAGUE
Foreign Secretary: JEREMY CLARKSON
Home Secretary: ENOCH POWELL
Defence: PATRICK MERCER
Constitutional Affairs: HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN**
Minister responsible for getting us out of Europe: EDWARD HEATH
* He's not fat, but to most people he's unintelligable but he makes a damned good factotum
** She probably understands the constitution better than any politician living or dead

All other departments would be closed down as being superfluous

Luke Akehurst said...

Can I be Minister at the Cabinet Office and the PM's advisor on media relations, please? The job needs someone with my subtlety and political skills.

mens sana said...

Unfortunately there have never been enough lib dems of sufficient stature to be remembered let alone considered for a fantasy or nightmare cabinet!

judith said...

Remittance Man - for your comment that all other departments would be closed down, you have won my Award for Man of the Month!

mitch said...

Surely blunkers should be minister for familys and children.

the clown of pevensey bay said...

Of course, people who live in Lewes district already have a Lib Dem nightmare cabinet.

Curly said...

You will have to give me a little more time for this flight of fancy while I think of some names!

Anonymous said...

A winning team would have been-
PM-Heath
Dep-Anthony Meyer
Chancellor=Heseltine
Chief Sec-james Gray
Foreign-Boris
Home Sec-Fabricant
Trade-Emery
Health-Soames
Defence-Edwina Currie
Envi-Piers merchant
Transport-David Cameron
Work & pensions-Hugh Dykes
Leader-Matthew Parris
Culture,Media,Sport-Osborne
Chief Whip-Ken Clarke
Cons Affairs-Mellor,Yeo or Whetstone.
Lords-Archer
Int Dev-Rippon
Local Gov-Major
Wales-Best
Scot-Goldie
Educ-Michael Mates.

Anonymous said...

Surely, you are missing (a) a notable fantasy Tory defector and (b) a Chairman of the Labour Party masqerading as a Minister and drawing a huge taxpayer-funded salary?

Of course, to be in a 'Nightmare Cabinet', you would need someone with experience of turning a marginal seat into a safe one.

Step forward Chancellor of the Duchy of WestHamkershire, Lord Dale of Norfolk No-broads?

Anonymous said...

Indeed, Did anyone hear the away fans chanting at Blackburn:

(a) "Iceland pays the linesman... Iceland pays the linesman... da da DA DA. da da DA DAAA."

followed by:

"We're going down...DA Da. We're going down Da Da ...we're going down with Ian Dale?"

Anonymous said...

Can't be worse than the cabinet we have at the moment:

Prime Minister: TONY BLAIR
Deputy Prime Minister: TONY BLAIR
Chancellor of the Exchequer: GORDON BROWN
Chief Secretary: TONY BLAIR
Foreign Secretary: TONY BLAIR
Home Secretary: TONY BLAIR
Trade & Industry: TONY BLAIR
Health: TONY BLAIR
Defence: TONY BLAIR
Environment: TONY BLAIR
Transport: TONY BLAIR
Work & Pensions: TONY BLAIR
Leader of the House: TONY BLAIR
Culture, Media & Sport: TONY BLAIR
Chief Whip: TONY BLAIR
Constitutional Affairs: TONY BLAIR
Leader of the Lords: LORD BLAIR
International Development: TONY BLAIR
Local Government: TONY BLAIR
Wales: TONY BLAIR
Scotland: TONY BLAIR
Education: TONY BLAIR

Anonymous said...

Actually Ron Davies was a pretty good Secretary of State for Wales. Certainly better than any of the Tories, including young Hague. How Sir Wyn Roberts didn't get to be Welsh Secretary I don't know, well yes I do know, Tory anti-Welsh prejudice. Anyway fair play to Ron, he may have made an arse of himself on Clapham Common but he was probably the best SoS since Cledwyn Hughes.

achilles said...

I'm surprised no one has suggested this already......

Fantasy Tory Cabinet

Prime Minister: Iain Dale
Deputy: Verity
Minister for Cycling: David Cameron (give him something to do so that he will shut the f*** up about global warming)
etc.etc....

Roger Thornhill said...

I was surprised no mention of the rancid monster Blears or the utterly deluded "squished rabbit in headlights" Hodge, who would be utterly useless as, well, pretty much anything.

For the Tories, just get Hague in charge and I am sure they can sort out the rest (would be good to see Widdi in Home and Clarke back in Treasury though).

David Lindsay said...

The Hitch, Bernard Manning is part Jewish.

But Iain, you are being unkind. Gwynneth Dunwoody would make an excellent Transport Secretary. Dennis Skinner as Leader of the House? Why not? He's been there longer than almost anyone and is a truly exemplary attendee, who would undoubtedly fight for the House's rights within Cabinet.

And as for dear old Wedgie, if his scheme to use the North Sea oil money for investment had been implemented here (i.e., if Thatcher had not won the 1979 Election), as something almost identical was in Norway, then Britain, rather than Norway, might now be the richest country in the world.

Oh, and all three are Euroscptics, unlike Cameron or anyone actually likely to be in a Cameron Cabinet at least after a year, if at all.

The Remittance Man said...

Judith,

For a lady of such obvious intellect and savvy - anytime ;-)

RM

Anonymous said...

bj 10:30pm

Anon 10:47pm

I quite liked your cabinets ;-)

Think they'd do a damn good job!!

Anon 12:18pm

*This* was my idea of a nightmare..

C4' said...

God: Sir Winston Churchill
Jesus: John Major
The Virgin Mary: Baroness Thatcher
Satan: Tony Blair
The Antichrist: Polly Toynbee
Judas: Edward Heath

el tom said...

Prime Minister: MARGARET THATCHER
Deputy Prime Minister: DOUGLAS HURD
Chancellor of the Exchequer: NIGEL LAWSON
Chief Secretary: DAVID CAMERON
Foreign Secretary: NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN
Home Secretary: NORMAN TEBBIT
Trade & Industry: EDWARD HEATH
Health: EDWINA CURRIE
Defence: MICHAEL HESSELTINE
Environment: EDWARD LEIGH
Transport: JOHN MACGREGOR
Work & Pensions: KENNETH CLARKE
Leader of the House: WILLIAM HAGUE
Culture, Media & Sport: DAVID MELLOR
Chief Whip: IAIN DUNCAN SMITH
Constitutional Affairs: JOHN MAJOR
Leader of the Lords: GEOFFREY HOWE
International Development: STANLEY BALDWIN
Local Government: KEITH JOSEPH
Wales: JOHN REDWOOD
Scotland: DAVID MUNDELL
Education: LIAM FOX