Monday, September 08, 2008

Top Ten Ways to Make the TUC Conference More Fun

10. Conduct an Arthur Scargill look-a-like competition
9. Every night one lucky delegate gets to go home with Derek Simpson.
8. Hold party to celebrate the thirtieth anniversary of Winter of Discontent.
7. Special appearance by the exhumed remains of Ron Todd.
6. Rename the Brighton Centre the '50% Payrise Centre'.
5. Morning, noon and night, on the piss with Charlie Whelan.
4. Refuse to attend the obligatory Billy Bragg concert.
3. Five words: Norman Willis in a bikini.
2. Launch a 'Who is Brendan Barber' competition.
1. John Edmonds to play Simon Cowell in 'Trade Unions Have Got Talent'.

With apologies to David Letterman.

31 comments:

Newmania said...

Ah just got back from Dorset where Billy Bragg lives . Mono cultural place isn't it .

Raedwald said...

Comrades' Karaoke is always a good one; that clip of Margaret Beckett slaughtering 'House of the rising sun' remains seared in my memory for ever.

Anonymous said...

You can take the pi$$ as much as you like, but without trade unions the workers would have even worse working conditions than they do in China or India.

America might have a powerhouse economy, but it is those in the unionised industries who have some healthcare and pension privileges, while those on minimum wage go to hell in a hand cart.

Read 'Nickel and Dimed' by Barbara Ehrenreich. Ah, but of course, when the Tories get in, the fattie pussie directors will pay the workers what they are worth without being asked...

Yeah, right !!

Anonymous said...

How about "have a debate about current affairs instead of prattling rubbish"?

Nothing to say about the US nationalisation of FM?

I don't want to spoil your fun, but some of us are eager to read a centre-right take on this intervention.

Anonymous said...

a. Finish the Conference with a rousing chorus of "Those Were The Days"

b. A loop video extolling the life and times of Ned Ludd.

c. When tired of (a) go to a non-stop performance of "Brassed Off".

Anonymous said...

How about "have a debate about current affairs instead of prattling rubbish"?

If you don't like it - ask Iain for a refund.

FonyBlair said...

Encourage everyone working at the TUC conference to go on strike and generally inconvenience delegates as much as possilbe.

They may then appreciate how it feels for Londoners when the Tube workers go on strike even though they are the highest paid monkeys on the planet.

Anonymous said...

Oh Iain, such wit! Maybe that's what you should've used to wow the voters of Norfolk North.

Anyway, well said anonymous 11.14am.

Anonymous said...

Dedicate a fleet of Nissan, Mitsubishi and Toyota cars to the memory of Red Robbo.

Anonymous said...

Trade unions were needed to stop kids being sent up chimneys. They helped the west become a more civillized place where people could raise families in social and financial stability and look forward to some comfort in their old age. The reason new Labour is hated is because they've corrupted left wing politics. It's no longer about following Jesus' maxim of being our brother's keeper,[Luke 3:11 - he who hath 2 coats, share with he who hath none] but it's now about controlling our thoughts, legislating decadence and pitting various minority groups against each other. The trade unions still remember the gospel.
In the end, more people are on the side of the Trade Unions than Thatcher, who by introducing a dog eat dog world, caused a lot of the lack of social cohesion we're suffering from today.
Some on the right now recognise this. Hence McCain for e.g. chose Palin who, like her husband belongs to a trade union.

Anonymous said...

aknumbers - get a life!

Seriously, iain , I can't wait to hear your opinion as to whether this is a disgraceful waste of US taxpayers' money and that the market should be left to its own devices, or whether they were right to nationalise?

I hope you're not hesitating because you want to hear GO's view first!

tory boys never grow up said...

Think of a free society where trade unions do not exist and count your blessings!

Anonymous said...

11 - drop a bomb on the lot of them

Anonymous said...

How about "withdraw all Labour funding until Gordon Brown resigns"? That would make the confereence far more fun.

Sorry? That's already an agenda item? Okay...

Anonymous said...

Just as they've all sat down, hold a fire drill on the grounds of health and safety.

Madasafish said...

Refuse to let anyone speak who proposes more taxation.

Silence is golden.

Anonymous said...

If only labour could hold conferences that are as riveting as the Tories. I imagine Dave is going to organise a campfire on the beach with a guitar and a sing-a-long. Or perhaps a Tory themed 'free party', I'm sure Guido would supply some technical know-how!

Anonymous said...

"some of us are eager to read a centre-right take"

Looking forward to your new blog that will tell us what to think about events in foreign countries from a centre-right perspective. No humanity and definitely no jokes. I'm sure it will be thrilling.

Anonymous said...

Go for a stroll along the beach as a tribute to Neil Kinnock.

What?

You don't remember this?

Anonymous said...

"Think of a free society where trade unions do not exist and count your blessings!"

Yeah it was called the industrial revolution and it wasn't too hot for the workers [except in their factories when they died of heat exhaustion!].

Anonymous said...

Really Iain? Amusing quips about digging up dead union leaders?

ROFL - well done you.

Can't wait to see how far you throw your toys out of the pram when lefties start making sick jokes about Maggie, but its hard to have sympathy when you write rancid comments like this.

Anonymous said...

Africanmum said 'Trade unions were needed to stop kids being sent up chimneys.'

In fact, the abolition of child labour in chimney sweeping was substantially due to the lifelong efforts of Antony Ashley Cooper, Seventh Earl of Shaftesbury, whose efforts predated the trade union movement by several decades.

The first bill banning the employment of children under eight from chimney sweeping was passed Parliament in 1788, but was largely ignored, as was an 1834 act.

Shaftesbury became a MP in 1826, and led a movement for factory reform. He was largely responsible for the Factory Acts of 1847 and 1853, as well as the Coal Mines Act of 1842 and the Lunacy Act 1845.

In 1840, Shaftesbury carried a bill to regulate child chimney sweeps, but it was not enforced. Three more of Shaftesbury's bills failed in Parliament in the 1850s. He succeeded in 1864. Shaftesbury finally succeeded in passing effective legislation in 1875.

The trade union movement was established at this time, with the first Trade Union Congress being held in 1868 and the legal status of trade unions being legally secured by the 1871 Trade Union Act.

By the way, Shaftesbury was a Tory and evangelical Anglican.

Anonymous said...

Not sure why you have a pop at the Ron Todd, who was a good man, served in the Marines, worked hard all his life and lived according to his principles. Still, I guess you have your reasons.

Anonymous said...

The Ron Todd "quip" was in very poor taste. You should be ashamed of yourself. Elvis Costello may be a genius but showed himself up as a nasty individual when he wrote and performed "tramp the dirt down". Don't joined him in the gutter. Perhaps a Carlton Cole type re assesment is due?

tory boys never grow up said...

Anon 4:47 - your thesis is incorrect - the Tolpuddle Martyrs started in 1832 - all all sorts of groups and scoieties were pushing for the Factories Acts etc.

Imposs1904 said...

Damn, it's not fair.

By not finding the top ten the slightest bit funny, I'm resigned to being labeled a humourless lefty.

Anonymous said...

Looking forward to your new blog that will tell us what to think about events in foreign countries from a centre-right perspective.

Anonymous, why do you think I would know anything about a "centre right perspective"? I just want to find out what Iain thinks about a £300bn bail-out, and compare it to what he thinks about the Northern rock bail-out.

There is some humour in that, I'm sure.

Anonymous said...

@10:46

"all sorts of groups and societies were pushing for the Factories Acts", Shaftesbury prominent among them, is precisely my thesis.

The Tolpuddle labourers were martyred because in 1832 the Friendly Society of Agricultural Labourers was illegal under the Combination Acts. In any case, their grievance was a reduction in wages.

Trade unions weren't legally recognised until 1871, and the first meeting of the TUC in 1868 had only had 34 delegates. Even then, they were primarily interested in their own pay and conditions. By the time unions had any real influence, the practice of putting small boys up chimneys had ended.

This is not to disparage the positive influence of trade unions on working conditions, but they were a product of the reform movements of the 19th century, rather than its cause.

Anonymous said...

The union leaders you refer to have nearly all gone keep up Iain

Anyone I spotted at least three Conservative PPC's who are happy good trade unionists (recent Glasgow PPC for example)

Oh yes as a good trade unionist I work with my local Tory MP and happy he is for our support to save the local hospital

Iain you really need to get out and meet some real trade unionists remember Norman Tebbit was a good trade unionist as well

so think before you blog


Conservative trade unionist and proud of it !

Anonymous said...

So you dont feel unions are important Iain
just try living in Northern Ireland during the Troubles about the only organisation that was trying to start talks and stop the killing

or try South Africa

or Solidarity in Poland


whos trying to save your local hospital from closure ?

yes the horrible health unions

Anonymous said...

so will you be backing the trade unions campaign to ensure that equal pay becomes a reality ?